I've been very open and honest as of late about my body and how I am at the heaviest I have ever been. One of my biggest fears in life was hitting 300lbs, and here I am, sitting at 304.
When I first hit this weight, it was dreaded fear, constant anxiety, slipping into my binge eating habits, and pure depression. I was trying to share my clothing company, I was trying to empower women through tips and mindset, but I wasn't even following my own advice and you could tell just by looking at my photos and my face. The start of quarantine didn't help either. And that's not to say my photos weren't good and I wasn't 'happy', I just wasn't where I wanted to be.
As time has gone on, as things have settled, as one company closed the door on me without a goodbye and another opened their arms to me wide with so much love, I have been working on feeling myself. It's a hard thing to do when your kids are home 24/7 driving you crazy, you are trying to make a living, and work on your degree, and just seem normal. I focused on filling my feed with positive people. Plus size bloggers, my friends plus size art, and talking with my friends completely bare and honest- things I needed to build my new norm. I got my hands into dirt and have a flourishing garden with my daughter. I immersed myself completely into my new company and what they offer- it's an amazing thing when a company actually cuts and adjusts styles to fit plus size properly. It's an amazing thing when you team up with sister reps of similar sizes and swap and trade so you can all try different things. I started taking photos of myself with minimal clothing so I could see and love my body in a different light. Yes, I basically took nudes, but damn, are my stretch marks not beautiful and is this ass not amazing. I started out slow with different angles and built up, it wasn't suddenly I was the queen of sexy photos nor was I truly comfortable doing it at first. Those first few photos of seeing myself in a different light really helped my confidence and pushed me to continue.
I took that same love and admiration I was feeling about my body at night and applied it to the photos I was taking of my clothing. If I wanted to wear something that I didn't sell, I didn't stress it and instead embraced it. Your company isn't always going to have EVERYTHING you love and that's ok! It is ok to love more than one brand! Just like it is ok to love your body even when it isn't where you want it to be.
Something truly flipped in the last month. I have never felt this confident about my body, even when I was 220lbs and a size 14. I truly believe it is a combination of what I allow in my feed, gardening, and a company that truly values me for me. I've also realized what I truly want to do in life is to empower small businesses and individuals in getting their social media straight. Having clarity all around allows for a lot of happiness to shine through.
I want to encourage you to sort through your feed, remove the people who don't bring you joy and inspiration. Find an activity that gets you in touch with the ground- I know it is so hard with quarantine but even just planting some flowers for your window will brighten up your life. Sit in the sun as much as you can. Read things that bring you joy. Download Marco Polo app and kick up conversations with friends. Wear the outfits you want to because I am damn sure you look amazing. Remember to give yourself extra grace and love in these hard times.
Loving yourself at your most vulnerable moments is so hard, but it is going to allow such a lightness and brightness in your life. I can tell you from personal experience. You just have to find your avenues that allow you to.