It's always easy to tell when something is going on with me- I won't write as much.
This month it's been like I have been dealing with PTSD. My personal life had a bomb occur and I have felt like I am back to the woman I was four years ago. As a result, I have been more blunt and forceful in sharing my opinion, not caring how people take it.
I was talking with a friend basically stating that I think that if you are unhappy in a relationship and nothing is getting better, you should leave, you should go and be happy yourself. Her response was basically 'you know how hard it is to be a single mom, you shouldn't just throw around for people to up and leave their husband. Not everyone is as strong as you.'
I felt like I had been slapped. She didn't mean in that way at all, but this friend has only been around a year, she came in at a high point in my life.
She wasn't here when my husband left me the first time.
She wasn't present when I was begging him to work on our marriage. How I was begging him to stay for our daughter and our unborn son.
She wasn't there when I was told I needed to leave my home.
She wasn't there when I found out right before my birthday he had in fact left me for my best friend.
She wasn't there when I was a shell of a woman giving birth to a baby who stopped breathing for the first five minutes.
She wasn't there when he said he wanted to try again when he visited for a week to only tell me the night before he left he only said that so I wouldn't be a bitch.
She didn't know. How could she? I don't talk about my marriage and the years up until my divorce often. It's still a box of glass and mirror shards. I'm slowly healing from all the hurt that he inflicted and terrible things I did. I wasn't a great wife . I've not been a great ex wife- I still hold plenty over his head. I'm working on it.
She hadn't realized what she said was like a knife to stomach with everything happening. It took everything in me to not respond to her in tears. I wasn't always the woman I am now. I won't always be the woman I am now- I hope I grow even more.
One of the reasons I am such a self growth and love junky is because I never want to be the woman I was four years ago. Or three years ago. Or even two years ago. Or anyone to be like who I was. This month, the extent of the self care and love I could offer myself was listening to Lizzo on repeat. Crying as I sing-a-long every time at the top of my lungs to Good As Hell.
This morning, waking up to see her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards put me in actual tears. Lizzo and what she advocates for and how she does it by being un-apologetically her are an inspiration to me.
I wish I had heard Good As Hell four years ago when I was begging for him to stay and trying to make everything ok. 'If he don't love you anymore, Just walk your fine ass out the door.' What if I had heard that sooner, what if I had started self care sooner, what if, what if, what if.
I don't throw around just leave and be happy for you and your kids nonchalantly. I say it because I know that even though my life right now is hard, I know staying around and waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under you is so much worse. I say it because your kids deserve to see you happy and thriving. I say it because you deserve to be cherished and actually loved- even just by yourself. I say it because you DESERVE to feel good as HELL.
Watch Lizzo's performance here and LISTEN to her speach:
Please note: nothing personal was shared to put me in a better than thou light of my divorce, it is why I included the statements that I wasn't a great wife. I didn't have the communication or relationship skills I needed at that age to make something last, let alone a marriage. I share everything because you never know who needs to know they aren't alone. I feel almost uncomfortable sharing this much of my life, the unhappy things, but if there is even one woman who can relate and know she isn't alone, she will get through this, and she does deserve a good life, it will be worth opening up and sharing.