Yikes. I’m walking in to my new doctors office and we get to my private room and the nurse takes my vitals and asks me to do the thing I dread: “I need to get your weight, hun.”
So I go and step on the scale. The number flashes just above 300 and I immediately start looking up as to not see the horrible number and to try to keep the tears in my eyes where they belong. Once the nurse is done and leaves I let the tears flow.
I‘m not very open about the fact that I will starve myself and then binge eat when I am stressed. It’s a habit I started young and has always stuck. I will kick it for a good while and then something will come upset my world and I will get so stressed I don’t eat and then I realize I’m so hungry and just eat anything in site. It’s why I can get pretty restrictive about what’s in my house. It’s horrible and I hate it and it’s not something I talk about super openly.
Honestly, I know it’s my own fault. I have slacked and I don’t take care like I should. Add on stress and I can tell you exactly where the weight is. The kicker? People don’t believe me when I tell them. “You look so good for your weight!” “You are tall so it’s ok! It is distributed well!” “At least it’s all in your tits and ass!”
No. Joke. And while I appreciate the endearing comments and I know I don’t look it- I still feel it. I feel myself taking up space. I feel that my clothes are tighter. I see it in my face. Just because I don’t look it to you doesn’t lessen the fact that it’s true.
The women in age surrounding me are terrified of reaching the big 3-0 and here I was just trying to keep under the 3-0-0. Here I am though. It’s happened. And I can either wallow and continue my horrible eating habits or I can reach out to the women in my life who are working on bettering themselves and ask for some help up.
Guess which I did? Bingo- asked for help. Had this been six months ago I would probably be drowning in candy wrappers crying. Instead, I contacted my friend Brooklee who is becoming a nutritionist who knows my triggers as we have talked before and she helped me come up with a plan. I reached out to my Badass, Lesley, who agreed to come over Sunday morning and take my measurements for me so I didn’t have to see the numbers- one of my triggers- and will keep them in a notebook for me and just tell me whether I have gained, maintained, or lost. Michelle and Kita have said that we are going to create a water pact (with jokes of getting water drunk to keep it light and not so serious) and will be messaging me every few hours for a check in.
So now you know. I have reached the big 300. I feel a shame about this but I also don’t? I have really been working on loving my body and while I want to improve, do better, and make that number smaller, I’m still ok with my body. I’m making sure I am checking my thoughts and actions: am I eating because I’m bored or hungry? Is there a better option to snack on? When was the last time I drank water? Do these clothes make me feel frumpy or like the badass I am? I'm making sure I am aware of my triggers and working through them so I don't let them drown me.
So why am I sharing this? Because OBVIOUSLY I want people to bombard me with their diet crap like people did when I posted about getting straight on my medications yesterday. (Let me say if you sell a product that 'helps' with these things- messaging people you have never talked with or have barely talked with about something you sell is a pretty trashy thing to do and gives direct sales a bad rap)
Seriously though, I am sharing this because I know I'm not the only mom or woman or person in this position. I haven't been under 200 pounds since I was 19. I've been told I am obese since I was in middle school because of BMI (which is such a load of crap). I'm sharing because for the first time in my life, at my heaviest weight, I don't feel like I am in a tailspin. I don't feel like there is no hope. I know there is hope. I know there are people who look to me to see how I handle situations. I know there are people who could use seeing someone handling it in a positive way and may want to follow along. I share because I can't be sharing pictures of myself in the clothing I sell without being honest about where I am in my body image journey and the goals I am setting.
If you are at a weight that you aren't happy with, let's be check in buddies. Let's keep on our water intake and maybe set up a weekly zoom to check in and see how we are doing. If you are interested, let me know!