My children amaze me. More than likely, if you have met my kids, they amaze you too.
Be it from their extreme intelligence, their unending energy, or the fact that they have so much love and adoration to share with you.
If you follow me on social, you may have seen this new figure arrive on the scene: The Butcher. My first truly serious boyfriend in a hot minute.
To be fair, I have dated (quite a bit) since my divorce. I had relationships that I thought were going to be able to go the long haul, but they (thankfully) fell apart before they got to a place of meeting my children.
As I said, my kids have big hearts, just like I do. They are very wary of new people, just like I am as well. They have only met one guy I dated and it was a relationship that was on hyperspeed of a rebound post a broken marriage. It happened when I finally accepted I was into being a divorced parent. It didn't last long, no more than a month, and I kicked him out of bed and we broke up two days later ON my birthday. My kids were not sad to see him gone.
Now I say I am thankful that past relationships fell apart because I have a bad habit to admit: I shave myself down and cut pieces of me off to try to fit into a relationship. I have always been so desperate for love and to be loved. It is both my toxic trait and a strength I will completely own. Due to wanting relationships to work so hard, I was willing to sacrifice portions of me to make a stupid relationship work.
Let me reiterate: how fucking stupid of me to do. (Please note- if you are someone who is doing it, I am calling you on your shit right now to cut it out).
After my last failed attepmt where I completely fell and gave my all, I decided to focus on me. On growing me, on my wants, needs, and filling my personal cup. I was fine being single for the first time in probably ever. I downloaded and deleted Bumble off and on due to boredom. Another toxic trait I completely own is that I am an attention WHORE. I love getting attention, and sometimes it is fun to have a dudes attention on me. I have no shame over it but it is also something I was trying to cut out as their attention was never worth the energy I put in. I eventually started having my closest friend swipe for me. She was tired of my bad picks and wanted input on the person who would be around 'her wife and kids' as we always joked.
She swiped on the Butcher. I almost didn't message him over him saying he doesn't want kids, but I did anyways. Found out he followed me on TikTok. Found out it is more he doesn't want kids of his own. Found out he is actually really cute but he doesn't know how to take a damn selfie. Found out what it was like to have someone like the full and complete version of you not watered down, not parts of your pieces cut off, nothing shaved down. Someone actually liking me for the whole thing.
I basically put all of me out there and said 'I'm not cutting pieces off, take me as a whole or choke.'
And he did. With minor hesitation. It was more, he needed to chew few a few things each time he faced a challenge and then was completely fine and ready for the next large bite of my personality. Often times he will push back on things I propose or say and then the next day he is saying them to me like he was for it all along. I called him out on it and he replied with he was never opposed to xyz, he just needed time to process and chew through it in his head.
We originally had no plans of meeting my kids until November. We enjoyed the idea of him maybe being able to spend Thanksgiving with my family as he wouldn't be able to drive home for his day off, We then moved it forward to mid October- a pumpkin patch date sounded like a great way for him to meet the kids in a fun way that didn't confine everyone in a small space.
And then he called me on a Friday morning telling me to not freak out but he needed a ride to the hospital- something was up with his heart and blood pressure.
And then two hours later once I had dropped him and started my errands, I got a call from his mother saying he was starting to have a heart attack and they were taking him in for a potential stint.
What a way to meet your boyfriends mother.
We cried on the phone together, we talked, we laughed, and she told me things her son DEFINITELY didn't want her telling me after only two months of talking. Things I think about right now that still make me giggle a bit and so happy in a very twisted way that was the first time we talked.
Nothing bonds you like a medical emergency- am I right?
Why is all of this important? We are getting there, I PROMISE.
He thankfully didn't have a heart attack, his blood pressure was just insane, and he is doing much better. Some lifestyle changes have also done him some good.
I am a nervous Nelly though. I like keeping my eye on people and controlling what I can. The idea of him sitting in his apartment for a week, alone, really bothered me. I wanted to keep him in my sight for if anything happened. So we sped up him metting the kids.
This is where our story speeds up. He met the kids, they thought he was cool, ok all good. He was hanging out at the house and played with them and started a tickle war. Much to my children's delight, the Butcher is ticklish and it is something they abuse anytime they see him.
He also hasn't seen many of their favorite movies- so we are working through a list. This is something they are greatly enjoying sharing with him.
They play legos and Mario Kart and Mario Party and hot wheels and pretend and show him episodes of Bluey. They have a great time with him, and that is all any of us could ask for.
What we didn't expect was for my son to take to him so fast. Ben trusts very few people and if Ben trusts you, you are good in my book. Ben has given him hugs and kisses from the get go, and even says love you at bedtime to him. Something that threw the Butcher through an immediate loop.
My daughter was more apprehensive. She started out with basic good nights to him, eventually granting him hug good nights as well. As of late she has started to sit on his lap, curl up with him for movies, and even give him a kiss on the cheek good night.
Yes, I cried each new happening. Seeing your child start to trust and care for someone you deeply care about is a beautiful thing no one has ever told me about. I honestly spent the whole month after his ER trip in tears seeing my kids and him together. They play so easily and happily together and you would think life has never been any different.
Actually, when we did go to the pumpkin patch, a lady offered to take a photo of all four of us and said to us 'Oh yep, that is the Christmas card for your family'. I about burst out laughing but kept it in to not be rude or to freak him out even more.
The nights after new things would happen with Lucie, I would wait for him to say something. I remember him saying that "She hugged me..." in such complete awe and emotion. The first time she sat on his lap, same thing. He actually had to leave the room after he said it to me because I had tears in my eyes and I was about to set his off.
With the awe and amazement, it has brought on imposter syndrome as well. Concern about him trying not to push their dad out of the picture, concern if he had enough to offer them, concern if he was enough to offer them. We talked about it all and I reaffirmed to him that he doesn't have to be #1 new dad on the scene, he just needs to be someone who cares about them and me. If he did that, he was good.
This was a lot for all four of us. Watching him with my kids was also healing for me on a deep scar of being a child of divorce as well. It was also healing the wound that I had developed when I realized my kids would have divorced parents like I had and how I NEVER wanted that for them. I wanted my kids to grow up with parents with a healthy and loving relationship and I felt like I had failed, but now there was possible hope on the horizon.
It led me to having the conversation with Lucie about the fact that I am not trying to replace her dad and neither is the Butcher. That the Butcher and I were thinking about our future and one day living together and the next steps that come with that. That it is ok to have a dad and a dad figure, or even two dads.
She looked at me like I was STUPID. "I know mom."
"Ok.. well... are you starting to see [the Buter] as a dad figure?" Let me clarify the only reason I asked this- my kids had grown relentlessly attached to the man. If I picked up a phone call they would take it out of my hands to jabber on to him. They started asking if he was coming over after work, sharing ways they planned on pranking him with, setting up plans for the days they knew he had off and would be over here. They were the first to rush him when he walked in the door before even the dogs. They have love for the man and I was trying to evaluate where emotions were to best serve everyone and to make sure that no one (meaning their dad) had concern for being pushed out of the picture.
"Yeah, I'm starting to see him like a dad... but he is only at 2% and loading," she said matter of factly before leaving my room.
All I could do was howl with laughter as my almost 8 year old left my room and call up the Butcher. "You know how you have been so nervous about being enough for the kids? Well don't worry, Luc knows you are 2% and loading and gave you the green light to keep growing with them." I had to back pedal and explain but hearing what Lucie had said not only warmed him but made him feel a million times better. So much so he actually shared the tidbit with his mom who laughed as much as we did from the sounds of it.
Two percent and loading.
This mantra is one I have taken on the last few days. If I can at least be 2% and loading on a task or project or whatever, I'm doing good. As long as I keep loading and working, it will be ok. Such freaking amazing words and wisdom that have come from a simple yet complex conversation with my 7 year old.
I feel like when we enter a new scene, job, project, or group of people that we want to be 100% the best and show up that way all the time. We want people on the internet to think we are so put together and have life figured out. We want people to believe the best in us.
In honesty though, it is better to be 2% and loading than to show up pretending to be perfect and thinking you have no room to improve. I want to encourage you to start walking forward into new things with the 2% and loading mindset. You know you have the basics and understanding about whatever is at hand, but let us also realize we have so much room for potential and growth.
I will keep sharing updates on our loading bars and I hope this grants you the permission you have needed to slow down and fully load.